Dear Cindy


I don’t know how to start this letter.  I do know that I miss you already. Cindy, I am sure that I am going to miss you every day of my life.  But I will always have a reminder of your love…a reminder of our love.  I’ll always have Matty to remind me of you. 


I remember the day you came home from the doctor’s with the good news.  We were going to have a baby.  It was the best news that I could have wished for, sweetheart.  At least, at that moment in time.  Of course, things have changed and the best news, of course, was for you not to be sick. 


Even though I want you here with me, I wouldn’t give up Matty.  I love him to bits, Cindy.  Not just because he is our baby, but because he is part of you…a part that will always remain with me.


I promised you sweetheart, that I would never blame Matty.  And I don’t.   We wanted a baby, even before we knew you were pregnant.   It was just bad timing I guess.  You were already carrying Matty when we found out about the leukaemia. 


You wouldn’t accept treatment because you knew it would hurt our baby and there was no way you were going to give up on him.


Then you got sicker and sicker and when the day came that we thought it was safe for Matty to be born, we let the doctors operate.


Those days when he was in the incubator were so scary for you.  I know they were.  You had given up everything for him… and you were worried that it was all for naught.


But then Matty grew stronger and stronger.  We were both overjoyed when he was able to breathe on his own.  But my joy was tempered as you became weaker and weaker.


We tried the Chemo, but it didn’t work.  It was too late.  But you were so brave.  I tried to be brave for you too.  But it hurt like hell.  It still does.


Cindy, the day that you won, was the day that I lost.  I lost you, but I know that I won too.  I lost the heartbeat of my life, but at the same time I gained a new one…our son Matty.


I promise to be as good a dad as I can be to Matty.  I will tell him all about his brave mummy.  His mummy who loved him.  I won’t tell him that you gave up your life for his.  I remember that was something you asked of me, because you and I both knew that would be unfair to lay that much guilt upon him.


Cindy, I know it is time to say goodbye.  I don’t want to say it….but I know that I must.


I’ll give this letter to the funeral director and I’ll get him to place it in your hands.  It is almost time for Matty to wake up from his nap and he’ll be hungry.  Cindy, it’s hard to believe that life will ever be normal again, but I swear right now that I will do my best to give our son the most normal life I can.


I love you Cindy.


Goodbye, sweetheart.  I wish it wasn’t goodbye.  I wish you were here with me right now.  I wish you were going to be with me and Matty for the rest of our lives.  You will always be in my heart, and I will make sure that Matty will have you in his heart too.


All my love, forever and ever,




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