“You see... it always felt like... I did something... wrong. Wrong. Heh.”
“Chris, can’t we have this conversation tomorrow? When you’re sober?” I asked, half-irritated. “And would you please come inside? The neighbors can hear you.” I sighed. “I’ll let you stay the night.”
“Tomorrow!” he thundered, making me jump. He pushed past me, and I shut the door after looking around for witnesses. “Tomorrow! That’s always your excuse, isn’t it?”
“Quit shouting! I’m not deaf!”
“Neither am I, Kyle!” he shouted back. “I’m just drunk.” Then, he flopped down the couch and laughed!
“Fuck! You know what? It’s me who’s wrong. Why don’t you just get out now, get in your car, and go home? Maybe you’ll have an accident on the way.”
He grew quiet, and suddenly, there were tears running down his face. “Do you really hate me that much, Kyle? Huh, Kyle? I love saying your name, you know, Kyle? Kyle?”
I sat next to him and sighed again. “No, Chris, I don’t hate you. Look... you can stay in the guest room, and we’ll talk tomorrow.”
“Don’t shout, Chris. Please?”
“Okay. I love you, Kyle.”
“You love me too, don’t you? Why can’t we be together again?”
“Because. We. Can’t! We only hurt each other when we’re together, and the reason why you always feel like you did something wrong is because you always did do something wrong! God, Chris, we’ve talked about this for hundreds of time already. Why can’t you move on? I need to move on too, you know?”
“You haven’t moved on, Kyle?”
I looked away.
He put a hand on my thigh and said, “I haven’t had sex since we broke up, you know.”
I gave a bitter laugh. “But you had lots of sex when we were together. With Jim. With Mark. With Philip. With Adam. With Greg. With Al. Hey, am I missing anyone? Fuck, you were a fucking slut! If not for you, I wouldn’t have known there were so many gay guys here!”
“But it was just sex! I thought it wasn’t important. Even you said that it’s not important.”
“Jesus! Why can’t you just admit you’re wrong? We were in a committed relationship, Chris. Do I need to spell it out for you?”
“What do you want me to do?” he wailed.
“Nothing! We broke up, Chris. We could be friends, but it’s going to take time. We need to move on, get on with our lives.”
“But I’m going to die without you!”
He started crying.
So did I.
“Kyle? I didn’t mean to hurt you, Kyle. I don’t know why I did what I did, but I couldn’t stop until you left me. I don’t know why! Kyle, will you be able to forgive me? Please?”
“I’ve been... waiting for that.”
“I’m sorry I hurt you, Kyle. It hurts so much too, you know, knowing I did that to you.”
“I already forgave you, Chris. I was just waiting for you to realize all the things you did and what you need to do.”
“Kyle... would you still take me back?”
“I want to, but...”
“We can start all over again. Pretend like it’s the first time, like we just came out to each other.”
“Are you sure you’re drunk? Or was that just a ploy to get me back? I hate liars, you know.”
We both grinned.
“Kyle, I haven’t seen a movie in a while. Are you free on Saturday?”
“Yes, and you don’t sound so drunk right now.”
“You haven’t tried kosher food yet, have you?”
“No, Chris. It will be my first time.”
I yawned. “We better go to sleep already. I’m wiped.”
“So, uh, can I sleep on your bed with you, Kyle?”
“I thought we’re starting over again?”
“Well, didn’t we use to have sleepovers before we even came out to each other?”
“Um, how about a goodnight kiss?”
“Fine!” I exclaimed, chuckling. “Just promise me this, Chris: no coming out to any more guys.”
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